I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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