My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
