I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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