I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
