And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
