I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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