I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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