at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
