i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
