Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
