I molested 6 butterflies tonight
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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