Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
