Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
