I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Holy shit dude........stairs
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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