I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
