I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
