I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
