DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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