i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
