I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
