Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
