After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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