Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
