Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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