New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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