I'm passing your future prison.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
