Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
