Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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