There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
