there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
