Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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