I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
