onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
