You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
the day after is always just damage control
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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