Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He has the fingertips of a God
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