omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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