The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
