dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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