yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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