The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
