You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
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