we made out on top of his cat.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
