atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
