Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
