My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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