1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
