I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
