I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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