well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
