do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
