Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
