Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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