all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
