So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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