My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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